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.If it emerges during the conversation, it might be the beginning ofsadness, or a sign of controlled, more intense sadness.That dependsupon what you and the other person have been talking about.Suppose one of these subtle sad expressions is shown when youdeliver the news to someone you supervise about whether he or shewill get a promotion.It might be anticipatory sadness; or if the newsis not good, slight sadness; or if the news is quite bad, controlled,more severe sadness.Knowing how that person is feeling doesn'tmean that you necessarily will want to acknowledge it.It depends onwhat your relationship is to that person.But it is information youcan benefit from in determining how you are going to respond tothe person, now or later.In some situations, with some people, simply acknowledging thatyou are sorry to have to disappoint them might be helpful.But thatmight humiliate or even anger some people, and it might be betterto say nothing.Would the person think you had a choice, or wouldthe person you are disappointing think you had been unfair? Ineither case, acknowledging their disappointment or saying you aresorry might seem insincere, and even elicit anger.Alternatively, ifthere still is another opportunity for that person to be promoted,then acknowledging the disappointment in the context of offeringto help them to do better in the next round could strengthen yourrelationship.Another matter to consider is just how important is the bad newsyou are conveying.If it really is a disaster for that person, then thesubtle sign of sadness may result from an attempt to diminish signsof much more intense feelings.If that is so, any acknowledgmentthat you realize how he or she feels might bring on a more intensedisplay of those sad feelings.Do you want that to happen? You aretaking from the person's expression information he or she chose totry to conceal from you.Should you bring it up or comment on it?Suppose you are the person who receives the bad news, not thesupervisor, and an expression of slight sadness appears on the supervi-sor's face when she gives you the bad news about not getting the pro-motion.That probably means the supervisor is sympathetic to you, issorry about having to give you bad news.Is she sugarcoating the badnews out of sympathy, or might she not agree completely with thedecision; or might she be responding empathetically to the hint ofsadness she sees on your face? The hint of sadness doesn't tell you; butit does tell you that she is concerned, and that is worth noting.Thereis a possibility that it is a fake expression of concern, but most of themuscular movements in sadness are not easy to make deliberately.If it were a friend, not a supervisor, who showed a subtle expres-sion of sadness when telling you about the bad news he recently got,you might want to go further.You might want to verbally acknowl-edge your concern, empathize with how he seems to be feeling, andgive him a chance to elaborate on his feelings.Again, you must keepin mind that this expression might be the result of an attempt tocontrol and conceal more intense sadness.Do you have the right toinvade your friend's privacy? Has your past relationship been one ofdisclosure, in which your friend expects to receive reassurance andcomfort from you? Might it be better just to offer a noncommittal"Is everything OK?" leaving it to your friend to decide whether hewants to reveal anything more about his feelings?Suppose it is your twelve-year-old daughter who shows thatexpression when you ask her how her day went at school.As a parentyou have the right, some would say the obligation, to pay attentionand acknowledge the feelings of your child.Yet, as kids move intoadolescence they increasingly want privacy, the choice as to whenthey reveal what to whom.Has yours been a close relationship, andcan you spend the time, now, if your comment on what she is feel-ing brings on a flood of tears? I believe it is better to ask, toacknowledge, than to pretend nothing has happened, but that is mystyle and it may not be yours.There is a fine line between intrusive-ness and lack of concern, and you can show concern but not push it.If it is an adolescent, it might be well to give her the chance to regu-late what happens by simply saying, "Is everything OK?" or "Needhelp with anything?"Sadness is often shown with good-byes, when two people who careabout each other anticipate not seeing each other again for an extendedperiod.Most often, in most relationships, acknowledging the regret atthe separation is appropriate, but once again, not always.Some peoplehave so little tolerance for sad feelings that it would be difficult forthem to have those feelings frankly acknowledged.For others theremight be a complete loss of control if the sadness were to be com-mented on.If you were in a relationship where a separation matters,you would know the person well enough to know how to respond.These examples are meant to show that having information abouthow someone feels doesn't itself tell you what to do about it.Itdoesn't confer the right or obligation to tell that person you knowhow he or she feels.There are alternatives, depending on who thatperson is and what your relationship to that person is, the circum-stances at the moment, and what you yourself are comfortable with.But spotting sadness when it is subtle does tell you that somethingimportant is happening or has happened, that it involves loss, andthat this person needs comforting.The expression itself doesn't tellyou whether you are the right person to give that comforting, or ifthis is the right time to offer it.Brace yourself before turning to the next chapter.It is about themost dangerous emotion anger.Don't start it until you are feelingrelaxed and able to take on this emotion.6AngerThe face of attack, of violence, is anger.The separatist demonstrator on the right just hit the Canadianpolice officer; the demonstrator on the left appears ready to strike.We don't know what happened before this moment, though.Didthe policeman attack the demonstrator? Was the demonstrator act-ing in self-defense, or was his violence unprovoked? Is response toan attack the anger theme, the common, universal trigger for callingforth anger? Emotion theorists have proposed a number of differentthemes for anger, but there is no evidence to suggest that one is cen-tral; in fact, there might be multiple themes for this emotion.The most effective situation for calling forth anger in infantssomething developmental psychologists do to study this emotionis physical interference, holding the infant's arms so the infantcannot get them free.1 This is a metaphor for one of the most fre-quent causes of anger in children and adults: someone interferingwith what we are intent on doing [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]